“Arthritis” Is a Joke, Right? I’m too Young!

It’s not for me, I’m no dowager. It can’t be why my knee hurts and turns to pudding when I hope it’ll support me up the stairs. That’s not why I magisterially turn my whole body to face the person I am talking with, instead of just turning my head. No, never, that can’t be it.

Poor range of motion? Doctor, are you into physical education? That’s the only place I’ve heard that kind of language. No, I wasn’t rehabbing, I just tried to work out for a while. I stopped because the gym got too expensive, it wasn’t because I was too overweight to exercise anymore. That happened after I quit. Or at least it got worse then.

Inherited tendencies? No, my dad and my mom didn’t have it. Wait, no, my mom did, yes, she had it when my sister was a baby; her fingers swelled up like carrots and looked raw and red. She couldn’t sew at all then. Not even thread a needle for me, when I was six years old. But it went away, pretty much all of it. Yes, she has larger knuckles, but they’re not like they were then when she had arthritis. You say it doesn’t go away? OK, then my mom did have it, but it got better. No, I don’t care if you learned that it can’t get better, didn’t I see those knuckles get smaller and more flexible? She couldn’t play the piano at all when Jean was a baby, but now, at 91, she can still play a hymn with the best of them.

It’s immune? Can’t be immune. My immune system has enough to do keeping up with dental plaque, fungal infections between the toes, bacteria in the occasional cut, plus the hundreds of colds, infections, and flus that my students pass on to me whenever I grace them with an exam. Those immunity cells can’t attack me, they’re too busy. Not a guarantee? The immune system can do these perverse things even when it’s busy? Unfair, that’s all I’ve got to say. After all I’ve done to make sure it’s not bored.

Hormones? Not really. Well, after I had my menopause I did take Hormone Replacement Therapy. Then they were saying that it was a good idea if heart disease ran in your family, which it does. It might have cancer risks, they thought, but there was no cancer in my family as far as I knew then. But my sister talked to family members behind closed doors and winkled out many women who died of breast cancer before it was possible to say that in public. And then both she and I had breast cancer. Of course, I went off the estrogen/progesterone then and it’s been seven years now without hormone supplements.

Exacerbated by stress? Well, Doctor, maybe you have something there. My life is full of stress. Why does my son decide to become a rock star after college, why does my daughter say she never wants to get married or have kids, why does my husband say it would be best if I’d work a few more years instead of retiring yesterday? I have sort of lost control, and if there’s one thing that stresses me out, it’s not being in control. You say it comes with aging? Who are you calling old, doctor? Of course, you’re probably forty yourself, so you wouldn’t know. For my generation, sixty is the new thirty. Really.

Just take these pain killers twice a day? With food? Great, another excuse to get fat. Can’t you see that I can’t possibly eat more? I see, I should take them with the meals I already eat. Oh, well, it was worth a try. Thanks, Doctor.
© 2006, Laura L. Mays Hoopes